When success feels empty: finding meaning beyond the checklist

I watch my cat stretching lazily in the afternoon sun on our balcony, utterly content with this simple moment. There's something profound about that peace-something I realize I've been missing despite having everything I thought would make me happy.

On paper, my life looks successful. I own a house-paid off completely, no mortgage hanging over my head. I have a car, which in Vietnam is a significant achievement given how expensive vehicles are here. I hold a senior position at a small company where I'm the sole technical decision-maker, working directly with the CEO. My wife runs her own business with steady monthly income and company stocks. We have a beautiful one-year-old daughter. We even own an extra piece of land (yes, there's a small debt, but it's manageable).

So why do I feel so... empty?

The paradox of achievement

The question haunts me during quiet moments: Am I ungrateful? Do I just want to be rich? Or is something deeper missing from my life?

I'm not alone in this feeling. Psychologists call it the hedonic treadmill-a phenomenon where we quickly adapt to positive life changes and return to our baseline level of happiness. As we achieve more and make more money, our expectations and desires rise in tandem, resulting in no permanent gain in happiness . It's like running on a treadmill: no matter how fast you go, you stay in the same place emotionally.

I planted this tree on our balcony months ago, watching it grow slowly but steadily. Unlike my career accomplishments that gave me brief satisfaction before fading into normalcy, tending to this plant offers something different-a small act of nurturing that feels genuinely fulfilling.

The high-income, high-stress trap

Living in Vietnam presents its own unique challenges. While surveys show that 80% of expats express contentment with the cost of living here , the reality for locals-especially in major cities like Hanoi where I live-is more complex. The cost of living is rising rapidly, and even with a good income, it's difficult to save significantly month to month.

Every unexpected expense-a medical bill, car repair, or family emergency-eats into whatever cushion I've managed to build. It's not that I can't handle these costs; my income is sufficient. But watching my savings stagnate or shrink month after month creates a frustrating sense of not making progress, even when I'm objectively doing well.

This photo captures another reality of my life-sitting in Hanoi's notorious traffic jams. It's a metaphor that hits too close: moving but not really going anywhere, burning energy without reaching a destination.

I also have some extra income from online business ventures-not much, but it comes quarterly and gives me enough to indulge my interests. Yet even this doesn't fill the void I feel.

The loneliness in a crowded life

Here's the strangest part: I have a family I love, but I feel lonely. Most of the time, I crave solitude. I don't want to be disturbed. This contradiction puzzles me. How can you feel isolated when surrounded by people who care about you? How can you simultaneously want connection and desire to be left alone?

This pattern often emerges when we attempt to fill an inner emptiness with external accomplishments-what psychologists call the "achievement treadmill" . We keep running faster, achieving more, but staying emotionally in the same place.

My home in the countryside offers fresh air and natural beauty. When I'm here among the plants and trees, away from the city's chaos, something in me relaxes. Maybe this is a clue about what I'm actually seeking.

What's really missing: purpose

The more I reflect, the clearer it becomes that my struggle isn't about money or success. It's about purpose. I've checked off the boxes society told me to check-career, house, car, family-but I never stopped to ask: What do I actually want? What gives my life meaning beyond these achievements?

Research consistently shows that purpose is essential for lasting fulfillment. Long-term, meaningful goals that can potentially change the lives of other people-like launching an organization, researching disease, or teaching kids to read-foster a genuine sense of purpose . These goals help us accomplish things together, which may be why purpose is associated with better physical and mental health.

I sometimes walk this street alone, thinking. These solitary moments aren't about avoiding people-they're about trying to hear my own voice beneath all the noise of expectations and obligations.

Moving beyond the checklist

So where do I go from here? I'm beginning to understand that the solution isn't earning more money or achieving more professional success. It's about redefining what success means to me personally.

Here's what I'm starting to explore:

Identifying my values

What actually matters to me beyond financial security? When do I feel most alive and engaged? These questions feel more important than how much I'm saving each month.

Embracing gratitude

Research shows that children and adults who are able to count their blessings are much more likely to contribute to the world beyond themselves . Instead of focusing on what I don't have (enough savings, enough peace), I'm trying to genuinely appreciate what I do have.

Finding ways to contribute

Maybe my loneliness stems partly from self-focus. People who engage in more altruistic behaviors, like volunteering or donating money, tend to have a greater sense of purpose in their lives . I have skills and resources-how can I use them to help others?

Setting goals based on meaning, not achievement

Instead of chasing the next material milestone, what if I set goals around growth, learning, creativity, or connection? What if success meant being present with my daughter as she grows, or finally pursuing that creative project I've been postponing?

Accepting the paradox

Perhaps it's okay to feel lonely sometimes. Perhaps wanting solitude doesn't mean something is wrong with my relationships. Maybe I'm simply discovering that I need more authentic connection rather than just more social interaction.

The journey forward

I don't have all the answers yet. I'm still figuring out my personal targets and what "enough" really means. But I'm learning that having a good income, a paid-off house, and professional autonomy doesn't automatically equal fulfillment. These achievements are valuable, but they're tools, not destinations.

The real work-the harder work-is asking: What do I want my life to mean? How do I want to grow? What impact do I want to have? These questions can't be answered with a bigger salary or a larger house.

My cat, still lounging in the sun, hasn't moved. She doesn't worry about savings rates or career advancement. She simply exists, finding contentment in warmth and rest. While I can't-and don't want to-live like a cat, there's wisdom in her simplicity.

Maybe fulfillment isn't about having more or achieving more. Maybe it's about connecting more deeply with what I already have while courageously pursuing what genuinely matters to me.

I'm fortunate to be in a better position than many people in Vietnam and around the world. In Vietnam, about 13.6 million people remain economically vulnerable, neither poor nor economically secure . My struggles are, in many ways, a luxury. But acknowledging that privilege doesn't negate the very real question of how to live a meaningful life.

The journey continues. I'm learning that it's okay not to have it all figured out. Perhaps the searching itself-the willingness to question and grow-is part of the answer.